Week 3 - Many Memories

Many Memories

Matthew Ryan Fischer

“Do I know you?” Jacob finally asked, once he was sure that he had exhausted all other reasonable delay tactics. She didn’t react at first and for a brief second he wondered if he had spoken out loud or not. “I don’t know you, do I?” he continued. “You look familiar to me.”

He had been staring at her for far too long. Jacob knew she knew. He had caught her glancing over at him out of the corner of her eye as he had been glancing over out of the corner of his. She knew he was there and she knew he was speaking to her in particular. It was awkward and bad and he had looked over one too many times, until he was well past the point of return. He stopped trying to hide it and began looking at her outright. Then it turned into staring. And if he stared any longer without saying anything, he was afraid she could get worried that he was a total creep or madman and then there was no telling what might occur. So he had to speak. And it had gone about as well as he had expected it to.

“I don’t think so,” she replied, barely giving him a second glance. Apparently he was not her type and she wasn’t going to be bothered wasting precious time with anything less.

That didn’t bother Jacob. A lot of people didn’t look at him. He didn’t look at a lot of them either. He usually couldn’t take it. He hated that awkward eye contact game where both people try to decide if they really want to acknowledge the other person or not. It was so much easier for him when they obliged him by not paying any attention without the pretense of being polite. No, he didn’t mind at all. It made his day-to-day life so much easier.

Jacob had been sitting at the bar nursing his gin and tonic, dulling his senses to the world around him, and trying to mind his own business. This was common practice. The world was too full of stimuli and Jacob needed to divorce himself from it as often as possible. Not everything, but far too many things, overwhelmed him – sights, sounds, locations, and people. People were the worst. They made him nervous. They created anxiety. All he wanted was a little peace and quiet, but unfortunately most of the time, the world had other plans.

Jacob had never been in this bar before. It was on the far side of town, away from where he lived and worked. It made things easier. It was new, which presented a certain type of anxiety of its own, but at least the people were strangers. He usually didn’t read too much into people he didn’t know. Sometimes, but not often. Or at least less than with people he saw often enough. A stranger could sometimes just be a stranger and stay that way. There were always plenty of possibilities, but at least with a stranger he had a chance that he had never interacted with them before. The odds were usually in his favor, which would allow him to drink his drink in peace and forget all about the possibilities of the world and of his past failures and possible futures.

But then she walked in. He didn’t notice her right off, but he could tell something was wrong. He always got a sensation, like a blur or double vision. Things got mixed up and muddy and he could see two or three possibilities at once. The drink helped with that. If he had had enough to drink, then the whole thing could end up the hallucinations of intoxication, or if he was lucky he might blackout and not remember anything at all. That would have been nice. He could have just let the whole night slip away into nothingness and none of it would matter.

Sadly though, he hadn’t been drinking long enough. And then there was the fact that she decided to sit down right next to him. That was bad news for them both. Sometimes they knew too much too. Or sometimes they just knew there was something special about him and felt the connection of a kindred spirit. But usually they had no idea they were a trigger and that the universe was throwing them together. Jacob always wondered if that was fate or divine intervention, or if it was all just random chance.

He almost didn’t look over. After he did, he really wished he hadn’t. He saw her face and could see that she had one of those faces, and after that, it was all over.

Jacob knew he knew her, even if she didn’t know him. He knew he knew her, even though he knew he couldn’t tell her that. He knew he knew her even if he didn’t really know her. He was well aware that no matter what he said at this point, she would never understand what he was talking about. He had learned that after too many failures to explain or be understood. Back when he used to try and talk about it, those people always thought he was just trying to be funny.

“And you’re sure we don’t know each other?” Jacob asked again, this time a little more anxious.

“Yeah. I’m pretty sure,” she said without thinking about it, and then she went back to her drink.

Jacob had looked her right in the eyes when he asked her that time. He knew the things he knew and what he was sure of, and this was one of the ones he was sure of.

He recognized the face. It was an instant reaction. It was that type of face – a face with a past and too many futures. He could look at her and imagine all the things she was and could have been. He could guess her dreams, her ambitions and her failures. He had seen so many faces like this in his time – too many. When he was young, it was a fun game. Guessing. Pretending he was intuitive or that there was some sort of confidence game that he was running. He had always been confident. Confident, but not arrogant or aggressive. He had always had an eye for detail and an awareness about him. He always seemed to know things. Things he shouldn’t have known. It was a fun party trick. It was disarming. It could be flirtatious. It could also be annoying as hell. He couldn’t help himself. He couldn’t stop it. He had no control over it. He would look and it would just happen – he could see a world of possible outcomes.

As he got older, the fun ended and it became a nightmare. His mind couldn’t sort things fast enough, or make sense of it all. It was overwhelming and paralyzing. Sometimes he saw nightmares or loss or even death. The best times were when he saw positive futures for his friends and co-workers. Those were the best times. Even if they didn’t always come true. Sometimes the dream seemed more real than reality.

Jacob looked at her fingers. He could see the ring that wasn’t there. He looked at her lips. He could see the cigarette that had been there so many times before. He looked at her hair. It was a light brown and was cut short and wild. He could see it had been many different colors and many different styles. How could he tell her any of that without sounding mad.

Her flesh looked so soft and tender. He looked at her neck and thought about kissing it. He thought about running his tongue up and down her body. He was sure he had done that before. Somewhere. Sometime. He thought about reaching out and wrapping his hands around her.

He could kiss her face. She had the sort of face he could kiss. It would have been nice, but he knew it didn’t work that way. She had no idea who he was. To kiss her now would just be insane and to her it might even seem criminal.

“Okay, sorry to bother you. Thanks.”

Jacob got up to leave.

“That’s it? That’s your pickup line? Ask me if we know each other?”

“I wasn’t hitting on you.”

“Sure you weren’t.”

Jacob didn’t know what to tell her and was sure she wouldn’t believe the truth, so he walked away.

Later, she walked away from the bar and turned down a residential avenue, when a voice came from behind.

“Hey…”

She turned to see Jacob. He had waited for her to leave. She wasn’t surprised at all.

“I knew it.”

“What?”

“Hitting on me before. You were trying to pick me up.”

“I promise you I wasn’t.”

Jacob approached her. He was sure of himself. Every step he took displayed that. She noticed and for a moment sort of liked it. Maybe she had misjudged him after all. Then he got nervous. Really nervous.

“I was just trying to make sure…” His voices trailed off. He looked confused for a moment, then a little bit afraid. This made her scared and she took a step back.

“Are you okay?” She didn’t really care, but it seemed more polite that screaming for help. He hadn’t really done anything to warrant that reaction, and yet that was her first instinct.

He looked at her eyes. He knew eyes. It was too bad – they were really pretty eyes. He wished he didn’t know them. He wished she had just been a stranger. He could have walked away if she had just been a stranger.

“I had to know. I had to make sure. Before I…” He took another step towards her, and not in a friendly way.

“Before?” she started to ask, but then he lunged at her. “Wait! Stop--!”

He wrapped his hands around her neck and began to choke her. She fought as best she could, but he was stronger. He yelled at her, tears starting to form in both their eyes. It was a moment of symmetry and he knew this was the only way to make the visions stop.

“There are too many. Do you get it? Do you understand? Too many images. Too many memories. I know you. I’ve seen you. I know all about you. But it’s not you. It’s you, but not you. It’s the other you. All the others. I need to make it stop. The futures… the past… Everything you could have been. It’s too much for me to see it all. I need to make it stop. I need to make it go away. You’re not real. You’re fake. I can’t take it. I can’t tell what’s real. There are too many. I can’t see them all. I have to make them stop. I don’t know what’s real. I’m sorry, but I have to stop them.”

She didn’t understand any of what he was trying to say. She heard very little of it, as she was suffocating and starting to pass out.